It all Rolls Around and Falls Out Eventually

So Yeah. I have a blog. It sits and gathers internet dust, hiding in it's little corner, safe from the trolls.

It has been a crazy trip. Highs. Lows. Validation. Fear.

Anxiety has been on the rise, depression mostly in check. I work a job I love, that also drives me batshit insane sometimes. I have been to Italy, been to Chicago, been to Vancouver. I have played games, painted things, and read. I sleep, I eat, and still keep on existing, with some semblance of life.

Yes, this is rambling. It is a stream of consciousness wander around, an attempt to clear some cobwebs and get moving along. There is a lot of anger. A lot of frustration. A lot of lonely. Being alone in a crowd is something I am good at.

I've been single since 2012. Woken up alone every day since my dog died in 2016. I have my immediate family, some friends. Nothing beyond that. I may have forgotten what affection is, and I find my social skills beginning to atrophy, and find myself becoming more socially awkward all the time. It's a bid disturbing. But it is what is is...

Life moves forward, we get rattled around, but it all falls out eventually

The Non Reality of my Reality

So it's been over 18 months since last I wrote. A lot has changed. Even more has stayed the same.

I have a real job, a career even, provided the auto industry continues on. I am a UAW member no less. And I am making real money at last.

The chronic pain and numbness in my left arm is being ignored rather well. The hard parts are the random weakness and muscle spasms. But they don't seem to be as frequent.

And I am lonely. So very lonely. Not alone, I have friends and family close by. I spend time with them, and enjoy it. But I am lonely. A hole, an emptiness. I fill it with cookies, and ice cream, and self pity.

But I am lonely.