I need to do something to stop the screaming in my head.  The rage inside is brutal, and I feel like it is eating me from the inside. The sad part is that I have no one to focus this rage on, because I am mad at myself.  Why was I dumb enough to think it could work?  Being in love with a married woman who is unwilling to leave her husband is a fool's game, made worse by the fact she loved me back.  All we succeeded in doing was to tear each other apart, cutting each other until there was nothing left of the both of us.

Since I can remember I have always broken everything down, taken it apart to see how it ticked, chase the threads and find out the "WHY".  It is something that is ingrained as deep as any of my tattoos.  And this was the straw that broke it all.  "I love you the way you are, I don't want you to change.  But..." One of her favorite sayings is "But makes everything that comes before it a lie."

I walked out.  I left her in a parking lot, sitting in her car, and just walked away.  Told her to poke me on Facebook when she was ready.  Out the door.  I sent texts telling her I wasn't mad, that I loved her, tried to encourage her.  But it was shredding me.  So I stopped.  Deleted her from my phone again so I would not be tempted to text any more.  Again.

Why am I mad?  I am angry with myself for allowing myself to be hurt.  I am angry at the summer of 1988, when we met.  I am angry at first loves, and every love story that ends happily ever after.  I am angry at the world.  But most of all I am angry at my self-sabotaging behavior, my inability to ever do anything the easy way.

And so I exist, and listen to the screaming in my head...