Leman Russ Battle Tank

Changing gears a bit here, this is a Games Workshop Leman Russ Battle tank that I painted. Photos were taken with my phone, a Motorola Droid 4, using its Macro setting.

The object was to paint it to look like a 1000 year old tank. The base coat was airbrushed Tamiya Panzer Grey, the first wash layer was airbrushed Citadel Agrax Earthshade.  The rest was done with Citadel paints, an oil wash, and Vallejo pigment powders, topped by a layer of Testor's Dullcote.  There is a bit left to do, such as adding rain streaks as well as building up the earth shades on the tracks.  But for now, this is what I got, Enjoy...

Stealing this from Billy Bragg.  His songs have always summed up how I feel.  So all credit to Mr. Bragg.

'Most important decisions in life

Are made between two people in bed

I found that out at my expense

And when i see you

You just turn around and walk away like we never met

Oh we used to be so brave

I dreamt the world stopped turning as we climbed the hill

I dreamt impossible dreams that we were lovers still'

Some music... They say it soothes the soul

I need to do something to stop the screaming in my head.  The rage inside is brutal, and I feel like it is eating me from the inside. The sad part is that I have no one to focus this rage on, because I am mad at myself.  Why was I dumb enough to think it could work?  Being in love with a married woman who is unwilling to leave her husband is a fool's game, made worse by the fact she loved me back.  All we succeeded in doing was to tear each other apart, cutting each other until there was nothing left of the both of us.

Since I can remember I have always broken everything down, taken it apart to see how it ticked, chase the threads and find out the "WHY".  It is something that is ingrained as deep as any of my tattoos.  And this was the straw that broke it all.  "I love you the way you are, I don't want you to change.  But..." One of her favorite sayings is "But makes everything that comes before it a lie."

I walked out.  I left her in a parking lot, sitting in her car, and just walked away.  Told her to poke me on Facebook when she was ready.  Out the door.  I sent texts telling her I wasn't mad, that I loved her, tried to encourage her.  But it was shredding me.  So I stopped.  Deleted her from my phone again so I would not be tempted to text any more.  Again.

Why am I mad?  I am angry with myself for allowing myself to be hurt.  I am angry at the summer of 1988, when we met.  I am angry at first loves, and every love story that ends happily ever after.  I am angry at the world.  But most of all I am angry at my self-sabotaging behavior, my inability to ever do anything the easy way.

And so I exist, and listen to the screaming in my head...

Every time I try to do more than exist it seems I sabotage myself. I cannot seem to pull it all together. Existing is easy, living is hard, and yet that seems all I can do.

Recent and distant past seem to be melting together as I repeat myself over and over, each failure more spectacular than the last.

It seems that sexual tension is a non-issue when you are not talking to the object of your desire.  I had grand plans, but I think it is futile now.

Existing is easy, I have been doing that for a very long time. Living is hard, I can't remember ever doing that...

Why?

I love you, don't want you to change, but I can't stand a fundamental part of you.

So I walk away,
Let it go,
Try to move on,
And pretend it doesn't hurt,

But it does,
And I cry,
And pretend.