On the Selfishness of Depression...

Depression is very selfish.  I am not saying that depressed people are selfish, by no means, just that depression makes it nearly impossible to see past your own nose.

A friend of a friend's friend (slightly complicated, but not totally important to the story here) killed themselves recently.  This poor lost soul felt that no one loved them, that they were a loser and they took their own life.  This indeed was absolutely not the case as this person had friends and family who cared deeply for them, who loved them a great deal, but the selfish monster that is depression made it impossible for this person to see that.  Tragedy was the result.

I can absolutely relate to how that poor person felt.  I battle constantly with my feelings of self worth, or lack there of.  If I set myself a goal that has 10 steps, and I achieve 9 of them, I see myself as a failure, in spite of the fact I got 90% of it right.  Viewed objectively I know that I am not, but the depression seizes the small failure, and magnifies it until that is the only thing that matters.  This line of thought can become an ever tightening spiral, pulling you ever in and down, until you cannot function any more.  I know because I have been there.

As this selfish spiral increases, more and more you begin to feel that everything is pointless.  Why bother trying?  You are just going to fail, so save the effort.  As this feeling increases. it becomes more and more difficult to see what is going on around you.  You pull away from your support network, shut down lines of communication and you just wall yourself up inside your own head, which is the worst place you can possibly be because the advice you are giving yourself is toxic at best and more than likely self destructive.

I struggle every day with this.  Some days are better than others, but I cannot let my guard down because a moment't inattention can cause months of despair.  I have not been at a point where I want to hurt myself for a very long time, decades in fact.  The most recent episode I had where those types of thought began creeping in, I immediately went for help, and the last three years have been more good than bad (objectively anyway, I still feel like a failure).

It has been and always will be a terrible struggle for me...

I found someone from my past today.  It was interesting.  24 years ago this summer we went through Basic Training and Military Police School together at Ft. McClellan AL.  A Co. 795th MP BN.  Forever ago it seems.  I cannot really remember who I was back then, but I remember people and names.  Bill Pitzner, Tim McGuigan, Oscar Dunn, Shane Deadmon.

I turned 19 that summer, and I was in the greatest shape I have ever been in in my life.  A world gone by, time slipped through the glass.

Do I wish I was that same person?  I could not give you an answer for that.

We move on and away.

Pain, the real kind, not the emotional stuff.

So I had an EMG Thursday, my sixth.  For those of you who do not know, an EMG is a two part test.  For the first part, they use electric shocks to test how long it takes to travel down a nerve, and can show if there is anything blocking off the passageway.  The second part of the test they stick a needle into different muscle groups and test for damage by listening to your muscle scream.  Did I mention that the needle is hooked up to a speaker?  Yeah, it is, and it is horrible.  Ever heard your muscle scream?  Not fun.

The reason for the testing is because of pain, numbness and weakness in my left arm.  This has been going on since September 2011, and I have been riding a merry-go-round of doctors visits and tests ever since.  This whole thing actually started in 2004 with a herniated disk at the C5-C6 level, which resulted in a fusion.  The current mess is fallout from that.

The doctor was able to find evidence of a neuropathy in the ulnar nerve, but were unable to find out where the damage came from, as the conduction across my elbow (the usual suspect in such cases) was perfectly normal.  So now we need to figure out where the damage is coming from.

Stay tuned for more updates...