I live in a strange place. Not where I sleep, but in my head.
It is full of dark places, hidden crannies and shadow. Paranoia runs rampant. All is covered by pain, some emotional, most physical.
Lately a new medication has been added to the mix, to help the pain. It works, kind of. The pain is still there, I just don't care so much. As this has been going on, things have begun to change. But I cannot trust it.
The fact that I always look for the worst is coming to the fore. And finding the worst is not a problem.
The fog I live in now makes for quicker thinking, but also makes it more difficult to let go of a thought once it comes to the fore.
It is a wistful hate. more like sour grapes than anything else. It is different than my self-hatred, or my hatred of lobster or traffic. It is based on the fact I love her, and cannot be with her.
More insignificance in a life that is nothing but. I leave only pain behind me wherever I go, and leave no other mark than the words I leave here. But I will continue to live.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Sunday, October 6, 2013
I'm Sorry...
I had a wish token on my key ring. I threw it away.
I am sorry that it happened like it did. I am sorry that I couldn't be the person you needed me to be. I am sorry I never got the chance to tell you I love you one last time. I am sorry for all of it.
I hope one day you can forgive me, and perhaps remember me with a smile.
I cannot forgive myself...
I am sorry that it happened like it did. I am sorry that I couldn't be the person you needed me to be. I am sorry I never got the chance to tell you I love you one last time. I am sorry for all of it.
I hope one day you can forgive me, and perhaps remember me with a smile.
I cannot forgive myself...
On Emotion...
I have always been an emotional person. In some ways they rule me. My emotions have two settings: Fire hose and trickle. There is no in between.
When I went to war in 1990 I had to turn my emotions off. I did it to save my sanity. They echoed in my head, but I did not allow them to surface. The only thing I allowed hurt me tremendously, and that was my desire to be liked, Which is a burden I still carry.
I have had difficulty with emotions since. I am great at the bad ones. When I am sad, I am completely sad. When I am angry it fills me, and it always surprises me that the light of the anger does not shine out from my pores. When I hate it is with a hatred pure and clean.
There is a curse that goes with this. I cannot forget. I remember conversations from years ago. I was in the lunch line in seventh grade. I was next to Matt Smith, and next to him was a black girl from The Children's home of Detroit. They were discussing music, talking about Grandmaster Flash's song The Message. I can hear clear as day Matt saying "Don't push me cause I'm close to the edge/I'm trying not to lose my head..." That is why tater tots remind me of rap music. That is an extreme example, but to me it illustrates the point. If I cannot forget, I cannot let go.
The positive emotions get pushed aside by the strength of the negative ones. When I am happy I am totally happy, but not for long. When I am proud I am full of joy, but that goes away. When I love, it is with everything I have.
My dog Jericho has been my constant companion for almost eleven years now. This summer I was afraid it was time to take him to the big farm, with plenty of rabbits to chase, people to love on him, and lots of sunny spots to sleep in. I was destroyed.The only being that has been by my side through all the trials I have put myself through, the thing that has never judged me, loved me unconditionally, that was the only person (yes I used person, to me he is people) who got excited when I came home... And I was going to have to kill him. Thankfully it was something minor. He is still his lazy, stinky self, and I can breathe again.
My youngest brother had some issues with his health that put him in a coma, and caused him to have to stay in the hospital for 12 days, then later another six days. Again I was devastated. This was my little brother, born while I watched Love Boat, on the day I first heard Hair of the Dog by Nazareth. I helped to raise him, and have always felt very protective. He was in Florida, I am in Michigan. There was nothing I could do but pray, and get updates by phone. He is better now, and getting ready to get back to work, but it has been rough on me, and rougher by far on him as well as his wife and two daughters.
I love a woman, and hate her too. We had a wonderful relationship. She had a place to go where she could be herself, and escape from her husband and son, and I could spend time with the person I loved the most in the world. It was not easy, and there were always bumps in the road, but it was great. And then I lost my house. And we started keeping secrets from each other. And then we started hurting each other. 18 months of good times and happiness turned into two years of misunderstandings and holding back, saying the wrong thing, and finally isolation. It has destroyed me. The relationship was doomed from the start. She was not going to leave her husband, but I felt I could wait it out until her son was 18 and we could have a happy little house together. Instead we have two people hurt almost beyond repair.
I admit I am selfish. I want the woman I love, the way I want to love her, or not at all. Being "just friends" killed me slowly, every time I would see her it reminded me of my failures, and that maybe if I had done something different it would be better. I felt like a loser, feel like a loser.
Recently I had a mole removed that turned out to be a melanoma. Cancer. They were confident that it was In Situ, or all in one place, but they had to toke a big chunk out of my back to be sure. So I went through the excision process, and the biopsy came back clean, no spreading. I have to be vigilant and keep an eye on my many moles to make sure they don't turn on me, but after all the tension, anxiety, and depression, this was great news.
I have to hate her until the moment when my dog is sick, my brother is in a coma, I have cancer, when I don't have cancer, and my first thought is not to call her.Because I love her.
When I went to war in 1990 I had to turn my emotions off. I did it to save my sanity. They echoed in my head, but I did not allow them to surface. The only thing I allowed hurt me tremendously, and that was my desire to be liked, Which is a burden I still carry.
I have had difficulty with emotions since. I am great at the bad ones. When I am sad, I am completely sad. When I am angry it fills me, and it always surprises me that the light of the anger does not shine out from my pores. When I hate it is with a hatred pure and clean.
There is a curse that goes with this. I cannot forget. I remember conversations from years ago. I was in the lunch line in seventh grade. I was next to Matt Smith, and next to him was a black girl from The Children's home of Detroit. They were discussing music, talking about Grandmaster Flash's song The Message. I can hear clear as day Matt saying "Don't push me cause I'm close to the edge/I'm trying not to lose my head..." That is why tater tots remind me of rap music. That is an extreme example, but to me it illustrates the point. If I cannot forget, I cannot let go.
The positive emotions get pushed aside by the strength of the negative ones. When I am happy I am totally happy, but not for long. When I am proud I am full of joy, but that goes away. When I love, it is with everything I have.
My dog Jericho has been my constant companion for almost eleven years now. This summer I was afraid it was time to take him to the big farm, with plenty of rabbits to chase, people to love on him, and lots of sunny spots to sleep in. I was destroyed.The only being that has been by my side through all the trials I have put myself through, the thing that has never judged me, loved me unconditionally, that was the only person (yes I used person, to me he is people) who got excited when I came home... And I was going to have to kill him. Thankfully it was something minor. He is still his lazy, stinky self, and I can breathe again.
My youngest brother had some issues with his health that put him in a coma, and caused him to have to stay in the hospital for 12 days, then later another six days. Again I was devastated. This was my little brother, born while I watched Love Boat, on the day I first heard Hair of the Dog by Nazareth. I helped to raise him, and have always felt very protective. He was in Florida, I am in Michigan. There was nothing I could do but pray, and get updates by phone. He is better now, and getting ready to get back to work, but it has been rough on me, and rougher by far on him as well as his wife and two daughters.
I love a woman, and hate her too. We had a wonderful relationship. She had a place to go where she could be herself, and escape from her husband and son, and I could spend time with the person I loved the most in the world. It was not easy, and there were always bumps in the road, but it was great. And then I lost my house. And we started keeping secrets from each other. And then we started hurting each other. 18 months of good times and happiness turned into two years of misunderstandings and holding back, saying the wrong thing, and finally isolation. It has destroyed me. The relationship was doomed from the start. She was not going to leave her husband, but I felt I could wait it out until her son was 18 and we could have a happy little house together. Instead we have two people hurt almost beyond repair.
I admit I am selfish. I want the woman I love, the way I want to love her, or not at all. Being "just friends" killed me slowly, every time I would see her it reminded me of my failures, and that maybe if I had done something different it would be better. I felt like a loser, feel like a loser.
Recently I had a mole removed that turned out to be a melanoma. Cancer. They were confident that it was In Situ, or all in one place, but they had to toke a big chunk out of my back to be sure. So I went through the excision process, and the biopsy came back clean, no spreading. I have to be vigilant and keep an eye on my many moles to make sure they don't turn on me, but after all the tension, anxiety, and depression, this was great news.
I have to hate her until the moment when my dog is sick, my brother is in a coma, I have cancer, when I don't have cancer, and my first thought is not to call her.Because I love her.
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