I don't know anything any more. All I know is that the hole inside is scabbing up nicely, that some of the anger and hatred I feel is wearing off.

I don't want all of it to go away,because if it does, I may do something stupid. Like call and apologize, so I can go through this all again.

I have no idea if she is reading this, and while I sort of wish she is, I also wish she wasn't. The reason for the split is because as far as I know, this is the only place where she can know what I am thinking, and what I think about her. Read back through, and you can see my point.

We hurt each other so badly, so sharply, that I truly wish I wish I had taken my dad's advice, and never gone to Scout camp, that I had never tried that card trick.

Fuck it. I did, and now I am paying the piper.

Written on my heart, wishing it wasn't. I want to so very much forget you, that you ever existed, that I ever loved you. I want to forget that I have ever loved at all. That emotion has caused me nothing but misery. I have myself because of love. I can never measure up, I always fail.

I look forward to being alone for the rest of my life. It will be a relief.

Why can I not let you go? I almost broke down and tried to contact you. Then I realized that I still hate you.

Still standing still strong. Thought I was going to have to put my dog down, brother almost died, I still left you alone. The anger I feel when I think about you is a real thing, palpable. My hate is still strong. My desire to never see you again still there.

But I still love you.

Now the Question is...

Now the question is why. Why do I hate you.

Simple, really. You lied to me. There is a good chance you were lying to yourself at the same time, but that does not factor in to my equation of hate. You held my hand, looked into my eyes and said "I am all in".

You did qualify it with the fact you had a child. I understood then, and I understand now. But it was not true. You were never all in. If you were you would have said in advance that you could not stay over on New Year's Eve, as opposed to dropping it on me on the day, and wrecking the hopes that I had.

There are a million instances. If we were talking any more you would accuse me of dredging up things from the past, and say I can't let anything go. Well I do, and I can't. That is all I have.

Alone

Just so you know, even though I hate you, and wish I never knew you, I still love you. I have thrown out the wish token you gave me, you know, the one that never left my key ring? I never want to see you again, please do not stalk me like you did the last time. Didn't want to say this before but I found that creepy bad, and if I find you are doing it, I will call the police and have a restraining order filed against you.

You changed, I changed, there was change, and we could not weather it. So, fuck it, hope you don't spend the rest of your life lonely and miserable. I know I will.