On My Reality...

I live in a strange place. Not where I sleep, but in my head.

It is full of dark places, hidden crannies and shadow. Paranoia runs rampant. All is covered by pain, some emotional, most physical.

Lately a new medication has been added to the mix, to help the pain. It works, kind of. The pain is still there, I just don't care so much. As this has been going on, things have begun to change. But I cannot trust it.

The fact that I always look for the worst is coming to the fore. And finding the worst is not a problem.

The fog I live in now makes for quicker thinking, but also makes it more difficult to let go of a thought once it comes to the fore.

It is a wistful hate. more like sour grapes than anything else. It is different than my self-hatred, or my hatred of lobster or traffic. It is based on the fact I love her, and cannot be with her.

More insignificance in a life that is nothing but. I leave only pain behind me wherever I go, and leave no other mark than the words I leave here. But I will continue to live.

I'm Sorry...

I had a wish token on my key ring. I threw it away.

I am sorry that it happened like it did. I am sorry that I couldn't be the person you needed me to be. I am sorry I never got the chance to tell you I love you one last time. I am sorry for all of it.

I hope one day you can forgive me, and perhaps remember me with a smile.

I cannot forgive myself...

On Emotion...

I have always been an emotional person. In some ways they rule me. My emotions have two settings: Fire hose and trickle. There is no in between.

When I went to war in 1990 I had to turn my emotions off. I did it to save my sanity. They echoed in my head, but I did not allow them to surface. The only thing I allowed hurt me tremendously, and that was my desire to be liked, Which is a burden I still carry.

I have had difficulty with emotions since. I am great at the bad ones. When I am sad, I am completely sad. When I am angry it fills me, and it always surprises me that the light of the anger does not shine out from my pores. When I hate it is with a hatred pure and clean.

There is a curse that goes with this. I cannot forget. I remember conversations from years ago. I was in the lunch line in seventh grade. I was next to Matt Smith, and next to him was a black girl from The Children's home of Detroit. They were discussing music, talking about Grandmaster Flash's song The Message. I can hear clear as day Matt saying "Don't push me cause I'm close to the edge/I'm trying not to lose my head..." That is why tater tots remind me of rap music. That is an extreme example, but to me it illustrates the point. If I cannot forget, I cannot let go.

The positive emotions get pushed aside by the strength of the negative ones. When I am happy I am totally happy, but not for long. When I am proud I am full of joy, but that goes away. When I love, it is with everything I have.

My dog Jericho has been my constant companion for almost eleven years now. This summer I was afraid it was time to take him to the big farm, with plenty of rabbits to chase, people to love on him, and lots of sunny spots to sleep in. I was destroyed.The only being that has been by my side through all the trials I have put myself through, the thing that has never judged me, loved me unconditionally, that was the only person (yes I used person, to me he is people) who got excited when I came home... And I was going to have to kill him. Thankfully it was something minor. He is still his lazy, stinky self, and I can breathe again.

My youngest brother had some issues with his health that put him in a coma, and caused him to have to stay in the hospital for 12 days, then later another six days. Again I was devastated. This was my little brother, born while I watched Love Boat, on the day I first heard Hair of the Dog by Nazareth. I helped to raise him, and have always felt very protective. He was in Florida, I am in Michigan. There was nothing I could do but pray, and get updates by phone. He is better now, and getting ready to get back to work, but it has been rough on me, and rougher by far on him as well as his wife and two daughters.

I love a woman, and hate her too. We had a wonderful relationship. She had a place to go where she could be herself, and escape from her husband and son, and I could spend time with the person I loved the most in the world. It was not easy, and there were always bumps in the road, but it was great. And then I lost my house. And we started keeping secrets from each other. And then we started hurting each other. 18 months of good times and happiness turned into two years of misunderstandings and holding back, saying the wrong thing, and finally isolation. It has destroyed me. The relationship was doomed from the start. She was not going to leave her husband, but I felt I could wait it out until her son was 18 and we could have a happy little house together. Instead we have two people hurt almost beyond repair.

I admit I am selfish. I want the woman I love, the way I want to love her, or not at all. Being "just friends" killed me slowly, every time I would see her it reminded me of my failures, and that maybe if I had done something different it would be better. I felt like a loser, feel like a loser.

Recently I had a mole removed that turned out to be a melanoma. Cancer. They were confident that it was In Situ, or all in one place, but they had to toke a big chunk out of my back to be sure. So I went through the excision process, and the biopsy came back clean, no spreading. I have to be vigilant and keep an eye on my many moles to make sure they don't turn on me, but after all the tension, anxiety, and depression, this was great news.

I have to hate her until the moment when my dog is sick, my brother is in a coma, I have cancer, when I don't have cancer, and my first thought is not to call her.Because I love her.

I don't know anything any more. All I know is that the hole inside is scabbing up nicely, that some of the anger and hatred I feel is wearing off.

I don't want all of it to go away,because if it does, I may do something stupid. Like call and apologize, so I can go through this all again.

I have no idea if she is reading this, and while I sort of wish she is, I also wish she wasn't. The reason for the split is because as far as I know, this is the only place where she can know what I am thinking, and what I think about her. Read back through, and you can see my point.

We hurt each other so badly, so sharply, that I truly wish I wish I had taken my dad's advice, and never gone to Scout camp, that I had never tried that card trick.

Fuck it. I did, and now I am paying the piper.

Written on my heart, wishing it wasn't. I want to so very much forget you, that you ever existed, that I ever loved you. I want to forget that I have ever loved at all. That emotion has caused me nothing but misery. I have myself because of love. I can never measure up, I always fail.

I look forward to being alone for the rest of my life. It will be a relief.

Why can I not let you go? I almost broke down and tried to contact you. Then I realized that I still hate you.

Still standing still strong. Thought I was going to have to put my dog down, brother almost died, I still left you alone. The anger I feel when I think about you is a real thing, palpable. My hate is still strong. My desire to never see you again still there.

But I still love you.

Now the Question is...

Now the question is why. Why do I hate you.

Simple, really. You lied to me. There is a good chance you were lying to yourself at the same time, but that does not factor in to my equation of hate. You held my hand, looked into my eyes and said "I am all in".

You did qualify it with the fact you had a child. I understood then, and I understand now. But it was not true. You were never all in. If you were you would have said in advance that you could not stay over on New Year's Eve, as opposed to dropping it on me on the day, and wrecking the hopes that I had.

There are a million instances. If we were talking any more you would accuse me of dredging up things from the past, and say I can't let anything go. Well I do, and I can't. That is all I have.

Alone

Just so you know, even though I hate you, and wish I never knew you, I still love you. I have thrown out the wish token you gave me, you know, the one that never left my key ring? I never want to see you again, please do not stalk me like you did the last time. Didn't want to say this before but I found that creepy bad, and if I find you are doing it, I will call the police and have a restraining order filed against you.

You changed, I changed, there was change, and we could not weather it. So, fuck it, hope you don't spend the rest of your life lonely and miserable. I know I will.

So there we go...

A slow sad rain on a summer day. Matches my mood.

Been gray and close, the humidity crushing and sapping energy that is already low because of the lack of sleep.  A work day, on the weekend, but worth the time and a half.

I am not good at beginnings, and even worse at endings.

I went to a convention in Ohio recently. I stayed with my ex-wife. It was awkward, but nice. We had a long talk, and apologies were passed around. Her husband is a nice guy.

An old friend, who I had lost contact with, and I spoke for the first time in months. The air was cleared, and a connection reestablished. He misses Michigan.

I broke things off completely. Had to walk away. We were doing nothing but hurting each other. I couldn't be what she needed, and she couldn't be what I needed. I am sad.

43 years ago I started this trip. There have been good times and bad, I have been happy and sad. I cried, I laughed, I went to war, I moved to another state, then moved back. I got married, got divorced, bought a house and gave it back to the bank. I have lived, I have loved, and I have learned. I know that no matter how alone I feel, I am surrounded by people who love me and care about me, and 2 brothers who are brothers. I have 2 lovely nieces, the best dog in the world, and a job that I love.

To all my friends and family, I say thank you. This year will present some challenges, as all of them do, Tuesday I have an appointment with the Pain Management Clinic, and my hope is that they will be able to help me overcome and control the pain that has plagued me for the last 2 years.

So again I say thank you, and I love you all.

Of Two Minds

Depression will beat you down.  We know this already, I have talked about it a lot.  I have mentioned the harsh, unrealistic, and almost delusional self flagellation, disguising itself as friendly advice from the inner you. These voices, the ones confirming what you already know, that you are a loser and worthless are not alone.  For me there has always been a second voice, quieter, easily drowned out by the self hating voices.  This is the voice of reason, the voice that knows the truth, but has been stunted too long by the chemical imbalance that rules my inner self.

I have been through cognitive behavior therapy.  It is amazing.  I learned more about myself in that time then ever before.  I now have skills that can and do help me combat the corruption in my mind.  The bad part is my depression has changed too.  A friend once said that she drank to drown her problems, but the fuckers learned how to swim.  This is how I feel.  My depression changed and the skills I have to combat it do no good.

In the 4th grade we were given recorders so that we may all have the joy and experience of learning how to play music on a glorified tin whistle.  I mastered Hot Cross Buns, and my rendition of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star was the toast of the house.  When I moved to the clarinet in 5th grade, my mastery of the brown plastic hooter did me no good at all.  The basic skills of reading music, knowing how to follow it, and hearing the notes in your head carried over, but the device was completely different and foreign, and until I could wrap my head around it and learn the new skill set, mastery was never going to come.

That is where I am now.  I have a basic outline.  I can fight the worst of it off.  The addition of the worsening chronic pain, along with the alteration of the shape and substance of my depression has made my skills laughable.  Do not get me wrong, I still use the tricks and techniques that I learned in therapy, it just seems that I am fighting with the wrong tools.

I do not know how much of a factor physical pain is in all this. The pain has been growing steadily harder to ignore, and now the shooting burning pains have started down the right arm as well now.  If I defeat the pain, will the hollowness go away?

On the Selfishness of Depression...

Depression is very selfish.  I am not saying that depressed people are selfish, by no means, just that depression makes it nearly impossible to see past your own nose.

A friend of a friend's friend (slightly complicated, but not totally important to the story here) killed themselves recently.  This poor lost soul felt that no one loved them, that they were a loser and they took their own life.  This indeed was absolutely not the case as this person had friends and family who cared deeply for them, who loved them a great deal, but the selfish monster that is depression made it impossible for this person to see that.  Tragedy was the result.

I can absolutely relate to how that poor person felt.  I battle constantly with my feelings of self worth, or lack there of.  If I set myself a goal that has 10 steps, and I achieve 9 of them, I see myself as a failure, in spite of the fact I got 90% of it right.  Viewed objectively I know that I am not, but the depression seizes the small failure, and magnifies it until that is the only thing that matters.  This line of thought can become an ever tightening spiral, pulling you ever in and down, until you cannot function any more.  I know because I have been there.

As this selfish spiral increases, more and more you begin to feel that everything is pointless.  Why bother trying?  You are just going to fail, so save the effort.  As this feeling increases. it becomes more and more difficult to see what is going on around you.  You pull away from your support network, shut down lines of communication and you just wall yourself up inside your own head, which is the worst place you can possibly be because the advice you are giving yourself is toxic at best and more than likely self destructive.

I struggle every day with this.  Some days are better than others, but I cannot let my guard down because a moment't inattention can cause months of despair.  I have not been at a point where I want to hurt myself for a very long time, decades in fact.  The most recent episode I had where those types of thought began creeping in, I immediately went for help, and the last three years have been more good than bad (objectively anyway, I still feel like a failure).

It has been and always will be a terrible struggle for me...

I found someone from my past today.  It was interesting.  24 years ago this summer we went through Basic Training and Military Police School together at Ft. McClellan AL.  A Co. 795th MP BN.  Forever ago it seems.  I cannot really remember who I was back then, but I remember people and names.  Bill Pitzner, Tim McGuigan, Oscar Dunn, Shane Deadmon.

I turned 19 that summer, and I was in the greatest shape I have ever been in in my life.  A world gone by, time slipped through the glass.

Do I wish I was that same person?  I could not give you an answer for that.

We move on and away.

Pain, the real kind, not the emotional stuff.

So I had an EMG Thursday, my sixth.  For those of you who do not know, an EMG is a two part test.  For the first part, they use electric shocks to test how long it takes to travel down a nerve, and can show if there is anything blocking off the passageway.  The second part of the test they stick a needle into different muscle groups and test for damage by listening to your muscle scream.  Did I mention that the needle is hooked up to a speaker?  Yeah, it is, and it is horrible.  Ever heard your muscle scream?  Not fun.

The reason for the testing is because of pain, numbness and weakness in my left arm.  This has been going on since September 2011, and I have been riding a merry-go-round of doctors visits and tests ever since.  This whole thing actually started in 2004 with a herniated disk at the C5-C6 level, which resulted in a fusion.  The current mess is fallout from that.

The doctor was able to find evidence of a neuropathy in the ulnar nerve, but were unable to find out where the damage came from, as the conduction across my elbow (the usual suspect in such cases) was perfectly normal.  So now we need to figure out where the damage is coming from.

Stay tuned for more updates...

Leman Russ Battle Tank

Changing gears a bit here, this is a Games Workshop Leman Russ Battle tank that I painted. Photos were taken with my phone, a Motorola Droid 4, using its Macro setting.

The object was to paint it to look like a 1000 year old tank. The base coat was airbrushed Tamiya Panzer Grey, the first wash layer was airbrushed Citadel Agrax Earthshade.  The rest was done with Citadel paints, an oil wash, and Vallejo pigment powders, topped by a layer of Testor's Dullcote.  There is a bit left to do, such as adding rain streaks as well as building up the earth shades on the tracks.  But for now, this is what I got, Enjoy...

Stealing this from Billy Bragg.  His songs have always summed up how I feel.  So all credit to Mr. Bragg.

'Most important decisions in life

Are made between two people in bed

I found that out at my expense

And when i see you

You just turn around and walk away like we never met

Oh we used to be so brave

I dreamt the world stopped turning as we climbed the hill

I dreamt impossible dreams that we were lovers still'

Some music... They say it soothes the soul

I need to do something to stop the screaming in my head.  The rage inside is brutal, and I feel like it is eating me from the inside. The sad part is that I have no one to focus this rage on, because I am mad at myself.  Why was I dumb enough to think it could work?  Being in love with a married woman who is unwilling to leave her husband is a fool's game, made worse by the fact she loved me back.  All we succeeded in doing was to tear each other apart, cutting each other until there was nothing left of the both of us.

Since I can remember I have always broken everything down, taken it apart to see how it ticked, chase the threads and find out the "WHY".  It is something that is ingrained as deep as any of my tattoos.  And this was the straw that broke it all.  "I love you the way you are, I don't want you to change.  But..." One of her favorite sayings is "But makes everything that comes before it a lie."

I walked out.  I left her in a parking lot, sitting in her car, and just walked away.  Told her to poke me on Facebook when she was ready.  Out the door.  I sent texts telling her I wasn't mad, that I loved her, tried to encourage her.  But it was shredding me.  So I stopped.  Deleted her from my phone again so I would not be tempted to text any more.  Again.

Why am I mad?  I am angry with myself for allowing myself to be hurt.  I am angry at the summer of 1988, when we met.  I am angry at first loves, and every love story that ends happily ever after.  I am angry at the world.  But most of all I am angry at my self-sabotaging behavior, my inability to ever do anything the easy way.

And so I exist, and listen to the screaming in my head...

Every time I try to do more than exist it seems I sabotage myself. I cannot seem to pull it all together. Existing is easy, living is hard, and yet that seems all I can do.

Recent and distant past seem to be melting together as I repeat myself over and over, each failure more spectacular than the last.

It seems that sexual tension is a non-issue when you are not talking to the object of your desire.  I had grand plans, but I think it is futile now.

Existing is easy, I have been doing that for a very long time. Living is hard, I can't remember ever doing that...

Why?

I love you, don't want you to change, but I can't stand a fundamental part of you.

So I walk away,
Let it go,
Try to move on,
And pretend it doesn't hurt,

But it does,
And I cry,
And pretend.