43 years ago I started this trip. There have been good times and bad, I have been happy and sad. I cried, I laughed, I went to war, I moved to another state, then moved back. I got married, got divorced, bought a house and gave it back to the bank. I have lived, I have loved, and I have learned. I know that no matter how alone I feel, I am surrounded by people who love me and care about me, and 2 brothers who are brothers. I have 2 lovely nieces, the best dog in the world, and a job that I love.

To all my friends and family, I say thank you. This year will present some challenges, as all of them do, Tuesday I have an appointment with the Pain Management Clinic, and my hope is that they will be able to help me overcome and control the pain that has plagued me for the last 2 years.

So again I say thank you, and I love you all.

Of Two Minds

Depression will beat you down.  We know this already, I have talked about it a lot.  I have mentioned the harsh, unrealistic, and almost delusional self flagellation, disguising itself as friendly advice from the inner you. These voices, the ones confirming what you already know, that you are a loser and worthless are not alone.  For me there has always been a second voice, quieter, easily drowned out by the self hating voices.  This is the voice of reason, the voice that knows the truth, but has been stunted too long by the chemical imbalance that rules my inner self.

I have been through cognitive behavior therapy.  It is amazing.  I learned more about myself in that time then ever before.  I now have skills that can and do help me combat the corruption in my mind.  The bad part is my depression has changed too.  A friend once said that she drank to drown her problems, but the fuckers learned how to swim.  This is how I feel.  My depression changed and the skills I have to combat it do no good.

In the 4th grade we were given recorders so that we may all have the joy and experience of learning how to play music on a glorified tin whistle.  I mastered Hot Cross Buns, and my rendition of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star was the toast of the house.  When I moved to the clarinet in 5th grade, my mastery of the brown plastic hooter did me no good at all.  The basic skills of reading music, knowing how to follow it, and hearing the notes in your head carried over, but the device was completely different and foreign, and until I could wrap my head around it and learn the new skill set, mastery was never going to come.

That is where I am now.  I have a basic outline.  I can fight the worst of it off.  The addition of the worsening chronic pain, along with the alteration of the shape and substance of my depression has made my skills laughable.  Do not get me wrong, I still use the tricks and techniques that I learned in therapy, it just seems that I am fighting with the wrong tools.

I do not know how much of a factor physical pain is in all this. The pain has been growing steadily harder to ignore, and now the shooting burning pains have started down the right arm as well now.  If I defeat the pain, will the hollowness go away?